Update on my dad

The last two weeks were bad, not just for my dad but for me as well. My dad has basically lost all of his ability to speak, even the yes and no. My dad can no longer say anything...except make noises. I think I have cried a lot these past few weeks, some days only a few tears, other days a bit more. Everyday something would remind me of something that my dad can't do anymore, something he can't show me or something that I miss.

My mom is also suffering, it's not just my dad, my mom's health is also declining due to all the stress. She still has shingles (no rash) for the last 3 of 4 months. Her arms and hands are giving in, due to my dad's weight of turning him side to side or lifting him. The arthritis is also not helping. She is supposed to get a knee replacement, but she doesn't want to leave my dad alone to go for the op., which is understandable. My moms whole day is now revolving around taking care of my dad, from taking out his teeth, washing it, sucking out the saliva in his mouth, giving him oxygen, giving him water, food and meds through a tube and a lot more.

Yesterday, it felt like I am never going to get my dad back, the way he was before and I really miss him, I miss his voice and the way he would wave his hands when he was exercising with the music on. I miss his expression when I play him a song he likes. I miss him not being able to eat his favorite food, I miss not being able to buy him strawberries and ice cream...all the things that he liked, I can no longer give them to him.

I still want to believe that God will heal him, but it feels like God is taking sooooooo long and it has made me think whether or not God wants to heal him or not and why not or why not now.

I just want to know the answer. I just want to know what is God thinking, why is either taking so long or what is the reason why my dad isn't healed yet or why is he not healing him.

My upcoming Birthday

Its 5 days before my birthday. My dad's birthday is on the 23rd Of September and mine on the 23 of October. My mothers birthday was on the 7th of October and my dad had an okay day, except for his bladder giving issues. Me and wally decided to get my mom some new clothing, after all the stress and everything my mom lost around 13 - 15kgs, so her usual clothing hangs on her or sits really loose. We bought a jean 2 sizes smaller than what she used to wear and it fits perfect. We also bought a blouse and t-shirt which she both liked. The other jeans were a little to tight and my mother went to exchange it for a bigger size, but all in all she now has 4 new clothing items thats actually her size and fits perfect.

For my birthday, I want to be together as a family again. One thing that this disease has taken away from us is the time we spent together as a family. Before, we used to get together as a family at least twice a month on a Sunday, but now we don't see each other together. While one or two of us is at my parents, the other one is usually resting. I just want everyone to be together again and make it a special birthday to remember with everyone that I love. I want my mom and dad to remember it that we were all together.

My dad's birthday

Today is my dad's 72 birthday. I called him this morning and after struggling quite a while to hear what he was saying. The words eventually came out "Baie lief vir jou" (meaning I love you very much), after that I was in tears. It really feels like those few words can have so much meaning and feeling attached to it, for my dad who can barely speak to try and try and try until I can understand and hear what he is saying.

It feels like my dad is getting sicker and sicker, but I still believe that if it is God's will my dad WILL be healed. It's hard to see him the way he is now, with no way of moving a limb in his body, getting spasms all the time. Struggling to breathe, struggling to cough, struggling to swallow water.

The fasciculations are also a lot worse than it was, if my dad gets tense his whole body is full of fasciculations, his legs, arms, face... I can't imagine how that must feel.

Today, his birthday, we can't even buy him cake or give him his favorite food to eat. No strawberries and ice cream, no fish and no cottage pie. Everything my dad loves he can no longer enjoy. He is no longer able to swallow anything, except the water that we thicken for him.

It also feels like he has lost interest in the things he always loved, like music. Although I can get him to smile and I know just what songs he likes, it feels like he gets irritated with the music lately, that he would rather want it off? I'm not sure why, but it feels like its not something that is important anymore for him and for me. As if music and the things on this earth will fade, which is not as important as the love and emotions that we share on earth. God has given us the most precious gift. Love. Love will always remain and I think it is love that becomes the most important part of our lives, it is what keeps us alive, strong and gives us strength and without it, one would probably not want to live.

Music and Memories

It's funny how music can remind us of some things and bring back memories. I bought my mom and dad a cd and gave it to them this weekend, it had some of their favorites on. It was oldies and songs I remember that my mom and dad used to listen to when I was still in the house. When I gave them the cd, my dad's words was "put in in". The first two songs went okay, but on the third my dad started to cry and when my mom saw that she started to cry and with both of them crying, I started to cry as well. It was a song that had a lot of meaning for us, it was not the same person singing the song as we always listened to, "My happiness" from Connie Francis, but as soon as the song started all those good memories came back to my mom and dad. (It was the new cd from "Rudi Claase and Corlea Botha.") After the fourth song my dad asked me to stop the cd, my mom and dad couldn't stop crying. Afterwards, during the afternoon my mother played the cd through 3 times and my dad wanted us to play that song on repeat, as soon as it would finish he would say "again". I told my dad that I remember him whistling the tune of the song while walking around in the house when I was still little ... he just gave a big smile :)

I don't like to see my mom and dad crying, but this was a special moment, remembering the old times and the things my dad used to do. All the songs brought me back memories that I will never forget. It's funny how these good memories can be attached to a song or to music.

I think music will always play an important part in my life and in the memories I have made over the years and its something that won't go away or fade like a photograph :)

My dad

I haven't felt like writing for a while. Two weeks ago my dad got dehydrated, he was no longer able to swallow properly. He was struggling to swallow mash and even butternut. After a week in hospital having a really high fever and bad bladder infection, my dad went for a small operation to insert a peg tube (feeding tube). He's now back at home, feeling better, but is really struggling to swallow. Last week he was chocking on a small teaspoon of jelly I gave him and chocking on sips of water is already common. I just want everything to stop, I want my dad to be well again. Since he went to the hospital his speech has become worse as well, we can barely make out what he's saying. It feels so hard, I want my dad to talk to me, I miss his voice and the things he would tell me. I'm glad that he can still say the words I love you, even if it is hard to make out. Last week, while I was giving my dad the jelly, I saw him staring as if he was far in thought and asked what is he thinking about, he seems to be on another planet. After repeating himself about 3 times, he said that he was thinking that he wants to talk again. I had tears in my eyes when he said that but tried to hide it, I didn't know what to say. I felt so helpless, there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, nothing but prayer and faith that will give him back his voice and speech. I'm just full of thoughts these past few weeks, I want my dad to get well again with all my heart!!!

Grace and Suffering

I've been thinking about what to write for my next blog, but no subject really comes to mind. I've been thinking a lot about suffering and grace lately. I want to understand my dads suffering or rather why, why him why this why everything. I keep asking God why.....but without an answer. I've been reading a lot, about Job, David, Paul and Jesus, they were all suffering and for different reasons and they also asked God why. They also asked for God to take their suffering away, but God had other answers and not that of immediate healing. Like Paul, God said to him his grace is enough and Paul replied that he should rejoice in suffering....for when he is weak God is strong. I know God has a plan and no matter how many times I ask why... His will is His will. Rather than boggling my mind with questions all the time....I should probably be thinking of what I can do know that maybe He will take pleasure with me or think of me and my dad and not stop to pray and ask for his healing, but most importantly for His will to be done. God is Love and I believe he will not let anyone suffer without a good reason, if we find the answer on earth or in heaven it doesn't matter. God is God and He will not let anything happen to us that we cannot handle and that does not have a plan in His will. Hope this makes sense.

Organic and Free Range

After getting all the MSG and Aspartame out of our diet, we stumbled on a documentary, Food Inc. After watching it, me and Wally could not believe how those animals were treated and even how the big companies are treating the farmers and the consumers. The big companies have managed to genetically modify their food, without letting the consumer know about it. For me, this is a big health risk, we are eating food that is not really food anymore in a sense. This would refer to grains and soya beans that has been GM and is used in many of the products we eat today. What made us really upset is the way the animals were being treated and the lack of respect for those animals. Chickens that are "mushed" in a small little dark room, thousands of them, falling over one another...barely able to walk. They have been genetically modified to grow faster with bigger breasts, making it impossible for them to walk. It was really sad to see that and the cows and pigs are even worse. The cows were standing in their own pooh, waiting to be killed. What's worse is that they weren't eating normal herbs and grass, but genetically modified grains. The pigs, I would rather not mention how they are killed....I couldn't believe humans were capable of such cruelty. So we started to support organic and free range farmers, still not happy about it to think that the animals are killed, but at least they are farmed with some respect and are fed with organic herbs and grass keeping them healthy as well. They are also not killed for mass production....going to fast food outlets. The free range chickens can actually walk outside in daylight and eat when they want to, much better than being cramped inside a dark room waiting to die.